5 Signs You May Be Experiencing Chronic Shame
Anytime a client of mine describes feeling overwhelmed with guilt when thinking about past mistakes, feeling incompetent or embarrassed no matter how much they strive to be better, or struggling with negative self image, I make it a point to help them differentiate between feelings of guilt and experiences with chronic shame. In Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame, Patricia A. DeYoung explains that both shame and guilt are self conscious emotions, meaning they involve self evaluation. However, a distinction between the two is crucial in healing from chronic shame. Simply put, guilt tells us there is something wrong about what we have done. Shame, on the other hand, goes deeper and tells us there is something wrong about who we are.
How does chronic shame develop?
Shame narratives are often created in childhood. When a child experiences judgment from another, whether negative or positive, they can become preoccupied with a sense of self as an object for others. What this means is that over time, children can become distanced from their own subjectivity, losing connection with their own desires, opinions, feelings, thoughts and experiences. In turn, they learn to self objectify and try to regulate distress, discomfort and pain by trying to view themselves, their behaviors and ways of being, through the eyes of others. This can lead to chronic shame.
5 signs that you may be experiencing chronic shame:
Struggling with negative self image and self loathing - When a child experiences shame, they also experience incompetence. In an attempt to feel safe, the child can associate the feeling of shame with an image of “badness” or “incorrectness”, that is “there is something wrong with who I am”. As a result, any feeling of shame you experience throughout your life may also bring up images defining you as defective, weak or incomplete.
Fear of being exposed as inferior or deficient - Chronically shamed people are often preoccupied with how others will view them. In the minds of those experiencing chronic shame, others are always watching. In turn, they become afraid of others viewing them as simply not good enough. The idea of not being good enough is both a long held narrative by those experiencing chronic shame and a fear that is activated anytime they experience disconnection with another person.
Blaming yourself when things go wrong - Those experiencing chronic shame are more likely to blame themselves when things go wrong in their lives. This comes back to the deeply held belief that there is something inherently wrong with who they are. Internalizing when something goes wrong in life can help one turn an acute experience of shame into something more stable and tolerable, albeit more painful.
Often feeling lonely in relationships with others - Because it is theorized that chronic shame originates in childhood related to emotional disconnection with a primary caregiver, children with an objectified sense of self tend to feel lonely, believing that true connection with others isn’t possible. In adulthood, shame can create a wall of separation that protects a vulnerable, fragile self from intrusive “looks” from others, guarding themselves from relational interactions that might expose their flaws.
Judging yourself and others harshly - Chronically shamed people tend to judge themselves and others really harshly! This may be in part because as children, chronically shamed people learned to judge themselves and others on a binary scale (i.e. good or bad, right or wrong, admirable or despicable).
How do we heal from Chronic Shame?
Brene Brown famously describes shame as “the swampland of the soul”. When we open ourselves up to talking about shame in a safe space, we bring it to the light and can process it in a way that allows it to be felt and released. Because chronic shame is often associated with deep seated feelings, trying to approach it with logic won’t be effective, and instead can actually further feelings of incompetence and deficiency. Shame must be something that is processed and healed through affect attunement and regulation. In other words, it must be felt and experienced in the presence of a trusted other in order to be safely processed and released. Working with a therapist who you trust and feel safe with is key. Connecting to the part of you that feels shame, often your inner child, can help you better understand how shame shows up in your thoughts and beliefs about yourself and the way you make sense of the world around you.
As a shame-informed therapist, I prioritize emotional attunement with my chronically shamed clients as they sit with and move through the discomfort and pain that accompanies chronic shame. You have always been deserving of healing from chronic shame. I can help you get there.