Shame Resilience: Building Inner Strength in the Face of Chronic Shame
In my last post, I shared about common reactions we have to Chronic Shame and how these impact our relationships. Shame sucks - it’s pervasive, it feels bad and causes us to question our self worth, overtime making it hard to build self esteem and self confidence. Shame makes it difficult to connect with others, in part because it convinces us that sharing authentic parts of ourselves can and will result in criticism, rejection or even abandonment.
In my work with people looking to heal from Chronic Shame, I have noticed a trend of expecting the discomfort and pain of shame to be diminished by simply doing more and being better. Nevermind that this is one of the lies that Chronic Shame convinces us of, but this mindset can also lead to things like anxiety and perfectionism because what happens when we don’t or can’t do better? The shame persists, but this time with even more evidence for why we should keep feeling ashamed of ourselves!
I don’t find it surprising that people meet with me in hopes that simply talking about solutions to the shame problem will “cure” it so that they never have to feel the ickiness that is Chronic Shame again. This bubble bursts when I introduce shame resilience.
Shame resilience is the ability to use inner resources to cope with the pain and discomfort of shame in such a way that stops the shame spiral from continuing. Think of it like that protectant spray that you buy to protect your shoes from the elements. We can’t and won’t stop ourselves from ever feeling shame again, just like we can’t stop our shoes from getting wet. But we can build inner resources that help us learn more about our shame, feel and move through it in a way that keeps the shame spiral from overwhelming us. With time, building shame resilience can help us to feel more self assured, boost our confidence in ourselves and our abilities (yes, even when we make mistakes), overcome perfectionism and heal from things like low self esteem!
So how do we go about building shame resilience? As with most things, the first step is to identify the shame we feel. Getting to know some of the common reactions to shame and your physical markers of shame can help you practice identifying moments when you’ve felt shame. We can get to know our physical markers of shame by practicing asking ourselves “where do I feel the shame in my body?” Maybe it’s a tightness in your throat, a drop in your stomach, or a heaviness in your shoulders. It’s also totally okay if you don’t immediately know where you feel it in your body! This is why we practice. Shame can disconnect us from our bodies, so when we practice getting curious, we can reconnect with our bodies, letting them speak to us in their own way and give us the answers we are looking for.
You can then begin to acknowledge it, without judgment, by saying to yourself, “It feels like….” and “I know I’m in shame when I feel…” Acknowledging what we are feeling, without judgment, can have a naturally soothing effect on our physical state. Our nervous system calms down when we name an emotion and it’s a really solid first step in building shame resilience and self assurance as we come to acknowledge and accept ourselves on a whole new level!
Because shame is an experience that goes beyond just feeling guilty or embarrassed, shame often exists within the beliefs and narratives we hold about ourselves.
Many of us hold ourselves to really high and, at times, unrealistic expectations. When we don’t meet those expectations, it can lead to shame spirals. We may hear our inner critic telling us “I told you so”, questioning our own self worth and making it hard to find the confidence to try again. Learning how to not only recognize shame but understanding why you’re experiencing it and asking critical questions about it is another crucial part of developing shame resilience. This understanding can help to change the stories you tell yourself in the moments when you notice shame coming on, or when you’re thinking back on times you’ve felt shame, which helps to stop the shame spiral from persisting.
Here are some questions to get you thinking more critically about shame in the beliefs and narratives you tell yourself when it comes to your expectations for yourself:
“Why do these expectations exist?”
“Who said this is the right way?”
“Are these my true beliefs or are they handed down to me?”
“How does our society influence these expectations?”
“Are these beliefs in the highest good for humanity?”
“Do these beliefs align with the values I am trying to live by?”
When we begin to think more critically about our shame beliefs and narratives, we can start to see that these beliefs may be outdated, problematic and not even in line with our own values and the life we’re trying to build for ourselves! This can help to create space for more compassionate, realistic and flexible beliefs to take hold. It can also help us offer more understanding to ourselves in moments of shame, emotional overwhelm and dysregulation. This understanding is key to practicing self compassion - a crucial part of building shame resilience.
Self compassion means mindfully turning inward and extending kindness and understanding to ourselves like we would to a friend or loved one. Before we go any further, I want to say that I get it - one of the most common responses I get when I bring up practicing self compassion is that it’s so easy to treat a friend with kindness and so much harder to give it to ourselves. The thing is, it may actually be shame that makes this so hard and it’s through practicing self compassion that this process can become easier.
Think about the last time you had a cold. You hopefully were able to get some rest, drink some fluids, and practice some self care. While there is no cure to the common cold, there are things we can do to help ease the pain and suffering of having it. The same is true for our emotional pain and suffering! We don’t practice self compassion and build shame resilience because it’ll make the shame go away, we practice self compassion because it helps to ease the suffering that comes with experiencing shame. Self compassion can and will help to stop a shame spiral as it’s happening! When we build our self compassion muscle overtime, we are able to respond to shame triggers with more care and understanding for ourselves, helping to cultivate more self acceptance and build our resilience against the shame that’s been holding us back for so long.
Part of practicing self compassion looks like acknowledging, without judgment, what you’re feeling and why. For example - “I feel embarrassed because I misspoke during a work meeting and it feels like everyone is judging me for it”. This is a great time to notice where you may be feeling that feeling (in this case, embarrassment) in your body. Then, you can practice keeping in mind that all humans experience tough feelings and painful emotions, like embarrassment, sometimes. No, it’s not just you, I swear! Try telling yourself “I think most people in my position would feel the same way, it’s a normal thing to feel”. Finally, you can offer yourself some kindness, maybe saying something like “it’s okay, everyone makes mistakes sometimes! This doesn’t have to define me as a person.” or “I am okay even when I mess up”. You can also extend some physical kindness towards yourself - perhaps wrapping yourself in a warm embrace, anything that indicates to you and your body that you’re safe, taking the time to practice self care like you do when you have a cold!
If extending compassion to yourself in moments of shame feels close to impossible right now, I invite you to try extending understanding for why you’re feeling this way. Extending this understanding can help with emotion regulation because we are practicing acknowledging and accepting what we are feeling, rather than criticizing or judging ourselves for feeling it. This can help with the emotional suffering of it all, and is a solid form of self assurance and an important step in building self compassion!
So does all of this mean that by building shame resilience, you won’t ever have to feel the painful pangs of shame again? I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but no. The good news is, shame resilience can make the experience easier to handle and keep you from falling into a shame spiral. This is how we build shame resilience. Not by never experiencing shame, not by being perfect or never messing up - but by responding to it in a way that honors our own human-ness in all its messy, wonderful glory.
If you are looking for support in healing from Chronic Shame and building shame resilience and self compassion, I invite you to reach out and schedule a free consultation with me today!
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